Stories from the Spore Drive (iantojjackh) wrote,
Stories from the Spore Drive


Title: Regression
Author: iantojjackh
Beta: timelordshines
Summary: Ianto was running late. He knew Jack got cranky if did not get his coffee by a certain time, but part of him (the childish and immature part) didn’t care and he was purposefully late to teach Jack a lesson. It's just not the lesson Ianto expected.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Warnings: Humour
Word Count: ~4k
A/N written for Torchwood Fest December exchange for pmw10261.  Since the reveals have been done, I'm finally allowed to post this here.


Ianto was running late. He knew Jack got cranky if did not get his coffee by a certain time, but part of him (the childish and immature part) didn’t care and he was purposefully late to teach Jack a lesson.

It had been your average domestic; Jack, leaving his dirty clothes in the middle of the floor. Only this time Ianto tripped on Jack's 'Unleash my beast...if you dare' briefs and hit his head on the bedside table, causing a nasty bump and small cut. Jack had tried to tend to the injured man, but Ianto was too irate and had sent Jack to go and sleep at the hub.

Before entering the visitor's centre, Ianto smirked, secretly hoping Jack would be waiting for him ready to apologise for his messy domestic habits. When he opened the door, Ianto heard a sound that was not normal Hub activity.

"What is that wailing?" the irritated archivist covered his ears and tracked the noise to under the desk. "What the hell?" Ianto was beyond confused, as when he looked at the floor, there were the clothes Jack had on last night and in the middle of them, a crying toddler.

"What is he up to?” Ianto mused, “Jack, do you think this is funny?" Ianto picked up the child who could be no more than two years old and held it at arm’s length. Kids made the young Welshman nervous. "Where did you come from? At least you stopped making all that noise."

The infant reached out and started to whimper as he was held so far away. Being naked in the cold office was not comfortable and he wanted to keep warm. "Mine," he point to Ianto and made grabbing gestures at the man.

Ianto looked at the child. "You don't belong to me. Kids scare me." Just then the toddler decided it was a good idea to pass the rankest smelling fart of the known universe and thought the flatulence was quite funny.

"Shit. That is fucking disgusting," Ianto gagged. "What were you fed?" He checked to make sure there was no toxic substances leaking from the child's backside and was relieved to find it clean.

"Boo boo," the small human pointed to the cut on Ianto's forehead. "Me kiss. It all better then."

"No." Ianto glared at the wriggling boy he was trying to hold, but the child made it difficult as he tried to kiss the cut. "You sit here," he set the boy down on the desk and bent down to get Jack's shirt to wrap the child in.

"Love you," the small boy made kissy faces at Ianto, clearly very enamoured with the young Welshman. "You hot," the toddler smiled suggestively at Ianto and obviously checked him out.

Ianto blinked several times to make sure he was not seeing and hearing things. Was he really just hit on by toddler? Would someone that young even be capable of such an action?

"No bloody freakin' way." Ianto knew that smile quite well. He took the boys left leg and turned it slightly and saw the odd shaped birthmark that Jack had on his inner thigh. It was a perfect match. This little hellion was Jack with a couple hundred years shaved off his appearance.

"So you physically devolved to your mental age? Just perfect." Ianto was still angry over the fight and his injury from the previous evening. The headache from hitting his head did not make matters any better.

The young Jack scrunched up his face as if he was about to cry. "Mean. Shit head!" The tantrum started and ended with Ianto getting a small fist to the nose and left eye.

"Oh no you don't." Ianto fumed. "You do not call me a shit head. You take a look in the mirror. Whose crappy domestic habits caused this?" He pointed to his forehead. "It's all your fault. You really are a child. I clean up after you here and at home. I'm not a maid. If you don't start cleaning up after yourself you will find yourself living alone. You have to start pulling your weight at home. Cook dinner once in a while. Help with the laundry. Pick up after yourself. I'm sick and fucking tired of cleaning up after the both of us. It was your idea to live together. And don't think any pouting or sexual favours will get you out of this..." Ianto trailed off and turned very red in the face when he looked up and saw Gwen staring at him with an odd look.

"Wait Gwen. It's not what it looks like," Ianto tried to explain, but his colleague could not look at him in the eye.

Gwen had no idea what she had walked into nor did she want to know once she heard Ianto mention sexual favours to the child she wanted far away from the young man. "Look, I know you and Jack are into some weird stuff, but this is crossing a pretty big line."

"You see," Ianto turned back to mini-Jack, who seemed to be even more trouble than he was fully grown. "This is again ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Jack did not know any other way to express himself than to cry uncontrollably.

Gwen's eyes narrowed to slits and she became really concerned for the small boy. A father, Ianto would never be. "Let me," she picked the up the child from desk. "Children should be clothed, Ianto." Gwen chided.

Ianto rolled his eyes and fought not to make any rude gestures, "I know that. I found him like this."

"It's okay. Don't let the mean man scare you anymore." Gwen tried to soothe the child who fought being held.

"No. Want him," Jack kicked his tiny feet as he tried to reach out for Ianto. When it did not work, he released his bladder onto Gwen with a giggle.

"Ugh," Gwen held the giggling terror far from her body when she realised what he had done. "What the hell?"

"Why is there a kid in here?" Owen asked as he arrived and could not help but laugh at Gwen getting pissed on.

"Hold me. Hold me," Jack reached out for Ianto and made grabbing motions toward him, trying to put on his best 'I'm too cute to resist' pout.

"Oh, you don't play fair do you, Jack?" Ianto took the miniature Jack from Gwen and the smirk on his face let Ianto know that Jack understood.

Jack nodded and wrapped tiny arms around Ianto's neck and rested his head on his other half's shoulder.

"Jack?" Gwen asked as she looked over at the child that was now quiet and looking pleased with himself that he was in Ianto's arms.

"Yes. The birthmark on his thigh confirms it." Ianto glared at Gwen, knowing she could now put what she overheard into context.

"So when I heard you before?" Gwen started to blush, comforted to know Ianto's perversions extended only to Jack.

"Yes!" Ianto said sharply. "He may be stuck in this small body, but his mind is that of the centuries old twisted man he is." He was not going to make this easy for Jack.

Jack could not vocalise what he wanted to really say to his dear lover who was having too much fun with this, no doubt payback for the injuries Ianto sustained last night. He had the thoughts of his normal self, but his reactions and language capabilities were that of a two year old.

'You are one to talk about twisted, Ianto Jones. I'll show you twisted.' Jack thought to himself. He nuzzled Ianto's neck before biting into it and then licking where he had bit.

"Ouch! You little fucker!" Ianto snapped and bit Jack back on the arm. It was what his Mum did to him when he bit her when he was three and he never bit anyone again.

Jack did not like that he was bitten back and showed his displeasure with an ear-splitting wail and the crocodile tears started.

"Ianto, you don't bite kids!" Gwen sounded like a shrill school ma’am.

"He started it and he's no kid. He just looks like one." Ianto held the squirming and crying child at arm’s length.

"Here, let me take him." Gwen tried to take over and hold Jack, which was not a smart move.

"No!" Jack’s screaming got worse and he started to kick, landing a swift and hard foot to Gwen’s left hand. "No you. Him. He mine. Want my Fuzzy Wuzzy."

Owen was about to ask what he meant by ‘Fuzzy Wuzzy’, but the deep flush radiating off Ianto said it was better not to ask.

"Are you going to behave now, Jack?" It was a battle of wills as their blue eyes locked in a wordless battle for dominance, but this was one battle Ianto was going to win. Bigger is always better, so Jack said once. Though this is probably not what he had in mind.

Little Jack nodded and used his most irresistibly charming face. "Yes. Love you," he said, smiling and holding out his arms for a hug.

"I love you too," Ianto replied. He was always a sucker for the Harkness charm and this time was no exception.

Jack was glad he was where he belonged; in Ianto's arms. "I sowwy," he apologised, kissing the cut on Ianto's forehead and then the tip of his nose. The events of the morning were too much for the tiny body to handle as he curled up against Ianto and was asleep before the group descended into the hub.

"I'm going have to examine him," Owen wanted to figure out what caused Jack's de-aging.

"Can it wait until Jack wakes up?" Adult Jack was bad enough to wake from a nap and he could only imagine how bad child Jack would be.

"No. I'm afraid not." Owen wanted to rule that the change had caused any internal damage.

"It's your funeral," Ianto warned.

Gwen watched as the child clung to Ianto. In the past children had always flocked to her and had a preference for her over others, but she reminded herself that this was still Jack and of course he'd choose Ianto over everyone else. The two lived together and most times acted like an old married couple. Jack was probably scared and held onto the person who he was closest to and could offer the most comfort and reassurance even if Ianto had yelled at him several times.

When they entered the main part of the hub, Gwen went to her station while the boys went toward the autopsy bay.

"Let me take him." Owen had to admit that Jack as a child was kind of cute. Their boss was not going to live this down for quite a while. "How long has Jack been like this? How come you didn't call me sooner?"

"I don't know. Somewhere between eleven last night and eight this morning. I found him under the desk in the visitor's centre when I got in. We got into a fight last night and I sent Jack here." Ianto spoke in hushed tones, not wanting to wake the sleeping child.

"Did he do that?" Owen pointed to cut and bump on Ianto's forehead. Jack had apologised for something and he wondered if Jack had gotten violent. It did not sound like Jack, but he still had to ask.

"Indirectly he did. I tripped over dirty clothes Jack left on the floor and hit my head on the bedside table." Ianto explained as he tried to detach Jack's tight grip on him. "I was too mad to let him apologise. Maybe if we didn't have that fight this wouldn't have happened to Jack," Ianto sighed letting the guilt creep in. "I shouldn't have kicked him out."

"Every couple have fights, Ianto. It's not a novel concept," Owen rolled his eyes as he pulled Jack away from Ianto and the miniature Captain started to fuss.

"We are not a couple," Ianto gritted his teeth.

"Two people in love with each other who live together is not a couple? Yeah, you two keep believing that," Owen marvelled at the denial Ianto and Jack lived in.

"Shut up, Owen!" Ianto did not have a better comeback while he denied the truth.

Owen started to run the scans on Jack and they showed no abnormalities, other than him being only two years old physically. There was nothing in the rift monitoring program that showed what could have caused this nor did the archive catalogue contain anything that had de-aging as an effect.

As Owen began his last scan, Jack began to wake up and he did not look happy. His bottom lip began to quiver and his fists curled into tiny balls and his mouth opened and he let out an ear piercing scream. "Mean. Poopie face." The pint sized Captain turned to Ianto and held out his arms. "My 'Anto. No Owie Owen."

The rest of the day was spent with Ianto chasing the little terror around the hub and trying to get him to put clothes on.

There was one incident where Gwen left a cup of coffee at new Jack height and he drank it up greedily and tried to climb the walls until the caffeine crash hit and Ianto found his miniature lover curled up with one of his hoodies under Tosh's desk.

When Jack woke he wanted to play horsie and demanded Ianto be a horse and let him ride him around the Hub. Ianto refused to look at Owen as the doctor snickered and made several lewd sexual innuendos when the Welshman acquiesced to get Jack to stop wailing. Owen found every comment worth the threat of decaf.

“You should let him ride you bareback.”

”This can't be the first time he's ridden you like that.”

”Does he want a riding crop to get you moving?”

”When's the last time he's had you on your knees?”

Gwen was not left unscathed as Jack used her makeup to paint himself and her desk. She was left to clean up the multicoloured Captain which ended with her being soaked as if she had taken a shower of her own.

Tosh was not free from the messy hands of the grabby toddler. Her computer ended up covered in melted dark chocolate and chocolate milk nearly fried the electronics. Several keys from her keyboard had been taken off and fed to Myfanwy.

At one point Owen's hands ended up super-glued to his mug and his lab coat was coloured pink and green with markers.

Everyone was glad when the day finally came to an end and they could be free of the destructive tiny Jack. They were gone faster than two-for-one nights at the pub.

"Wait! What? Nobody wants to help?" Ianto looked on as everyone ran without looking back. He was exhausted and did not want to deal with a child. After this he swore that he would never have children, he just was not cut out for it.

Jack wrapped his tiny arms around Ianto's leg and looked up at him with sad eyes. "They leave? No like me? They yell lots." His lip trembled as tears threatened to fall.

"That's not fair, Jack." Ianto picked Jack up and wrapped the naked child up in the hoodie he used during his nap. "They don't hate you. They are only mad. You can't go around causing so much trouble." Sometimes grownup Jack had difficulty grasping that concept.

"I sowwy," Jack sniffled and wiped his nose on Ianto's shoulder, causing the grown man to shudder in disgust. "I bored. We go home?"

"Yes, I'll take you home." Ianto sighed.

The small child squealed with delight. "Yah. Love you.” Jack placed a wet kiss on Ianto's cheek and cuddled in close, glad to be going home with the only one who was not too mean to him all day.


Ianto felt like a zombie by the time he arrived home, which was not good since it seemed like Jack still had an endless supply of energy. "Sit on the couch and I'll get you some milk."

"No milk. Drink you." Jack giggled and made crude sucking motions as he tossed off the hoodie and danced in a way not at all appropriate for a child. It was a dance Jack had done two nights ago which bored on the pornographic. Naked was always best.

"Stop that," Ianto yelled in a stern tone. "Bad Jack. If you don't behave I'm going to send you to live with Owen. Put the hoodie back on."

Little Jack pouted and crossed his arms over his chest, Ianto was not playing fair and he had no option but to behave. "Teletubbies," he pointed to the telly.

"Really?" Ianto raised his eyebrows at Jack's odd choice in entertainment. "I don't think they are on anymore." And he doubted the BBC still had them in reruns. Ianto was at a loss what to do entertain Jack until he was ready for bed. "I can read you a book." Not that he had much of a good selection for two year old.

"Teletubbies," Jack yelled and jumped off the couch and streaked over to the bookcase. "There." he pointed excitedly, jumping up and down.

"You've got to be shitting me?" Ianto swore as he opened the door at the bottom of the bookcase and found the entire box set of Teletubbies on DVD. He could not fathom why they were there, other than they were Jack's. Why was a conversation that would have to wait until Jack was back to his normal self.

"Bad word." Jack pointed out and giggled.

"Why are these here? Are they yours?"

"Mine. They funny. We watch. Me be good."

Ianto could not argue with that logic. At this point he would do anything to have a well behaved Jack.

Three mind numbing hours later, Jack was finally asleep and Ianto would be happy to never see a Teletubby again. Once Jack returned to normal, Ianto had some serious questions about his DVD collection that he kept hidden which also included Barney and other shows that made Ianto question Jack's sanity.

"Let's put you in bed," Ianto picked the sleeping child up and held Jack close. It melted Ianto's heart that Jack smiled and sighed contentedly whenever he was close to Ianto. Though the Welshman wondered if the tender moment was because deep down he was good with kids or because this was Jack and Jack always gravitated toward him.

Ianto carefully tucked Jack into bed and watched him whimper once he was no longer in Ianto's arms which made him quickly change into pyjamas and crawl in bed to soothe the upset child.

It worked like a charm and Jack went back to a restful sleep. Jack was the picture of perfect innocence with his cherubic face and hair tussled about. Ianto's last thoughts before he fell asleep were about what if Jack stayed a child forever and what it would mean for their relationship. Could he really be parent to someone whom a day ago was his lover? The bigger question was would be want to play the parent?

Those thoughts melded into a bizarre dream that would make anyone question if Ianto was on psychotropic drugs to dream up something this bizarre: Jack was forever stuck as a toddler and as the years passed he would not age but he was still every the bit of normal horny Jack, flirting with anyone and anything. The anyone being their ninety year old neighbour and the anything a plastic house plant. Not to mention the disturbing things he did to Owen's stethoscope.

Ianto woke up the next morning with a start and panicked when the bed was empty. The flat was suspiciously quiet and Ianto dreaded to think what trouble the holy little terror was causing.

He jumped out of bed as fast as he could, hoping not to find the flat destroyed or worse Jack dead. Who knew if the de-ageing messed with his immortality? Thankfully it did not take for Jack to be found as their flat was not really that large.

"There you are. Thank goodness," Ianto released the breath he had been holding as he saw a fully grown and naked Jack at the stove. Whatever caused the de-aging obviously had about a twenty four hour effect.

"I thought I'd make us breakfast. You were right, I don't do enough to help out around here. I'm not the boss when we are home so we should share in the household duties. It should be an equal partnership." Jack knew he should have seen this sooner, but hopefully it was not too late to make amends.

Ianto blinked, staring at Jack with his mouth hanging open. He pinched himself to make sure this was real, not a dream. "Who are you and what did you do to my Jack?"

"Let's just say the last twenty four hours has given me some perspective. I've taken you for granted and that's not fair to you. You are a saint for putting up with me and it shouldn't be that way. I don't want to wake up one day and find you gone because I got to be too much."

"Jack, you don't..." Ianto was then sushed when Jack pressed a finger to his lips.

"I want to. Please just be quiet and let me talk." Jack pleaded.

"Keep that up and I won't be quiet for long." Ianto said with a crooked smirk before he took Jack's finger into his mouth and began to suck on it.

"Hey!" Jack reclaimed his finger. "I'm trying to be serious here."

"Why now?" Ianto pouted, not in the mood for a serious conversation at the moment and he showed that by taking Jack's penis in his hand and feeling him up. "Yup, it's back to full size."

"You were worried?"

"Like you didn't check?" Ianto raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"But it's much better when you check. I think I need a closer examination just to be one hundred percent certain it's back to normal." Jack said with a cheeky grin.

"Breakfast first and then I'll give you a very thorough examination. Every single inch of you." Ianto punctuated his last sentence with a kiss after very word.

"Sounds like it might take a while. You might have to call in sick. Do you think your boss would allow it?"

Ianto pretended to think on it. "I'm sure he'd encourage it."

"Smart man."

"Sexy too."

"Yes he is." Jack finished cooking breakfast and then carefully fed it to Ianto. Ianto let Jack take care of him, not hiding how much he enjoyed it. Plus, after yesterday Ianto felt he deserved some pampering.

It was not until supper time that the couple emerged from their bedroom, feeling quite sore but very satisfied and with an appetite for food and each other.

Tonight's menu was four cheese pizza with grilled chicken and red onions with cold beer to wash it down.

While waiting for the food to arrive Ianto picked up his mobile and sent Owen a simple text to update him on Jack.

‘Gave Jack a very thorough examination...multiple times. Everything is back to normal.’

The End:

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Tags: fluff, humor, ianto, jack, owen

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